The Exhaustion Trap

I don’t remember a ton about the first 6 months about being a dad. My memories are hazy, the days were lazy. And yet, moments that stick are emotionally charged. After a few years of perspective to unpack what happened, and a second baby giving me another shot at those early months, I have enough clarity to write about what happened back then. Here is what I wish I had focused on the first time around.

The toughest thing for us was a lack of sleep. Nobody is in the best headspace when they haven’t slept. New parents, while society seems to think otherwise, are no different. I was fueled by adrenaline and the positive endorphins of parenthood. In retrospect, I probably pushed past a healthy limit on sleep deprivation.

I was constantly reactive, overly sensitive to difficult situations and conversations, and I wasn’t able to give myself the grace to just take a beat and move myself out of reactivity. I didn’t know it at that time, but it is clear that my nervous system was in fight or flight that entire first year. Deep in a sleep hole, easy tasks became chores, and chores became Sysiphean monstrosities that I used to dread.

Laundry defeated me. Looking back, it’s laughable how debilitating this became. I used to dread doing the laundry (which had turned into a daily event). I’d often forget to load the washer in the morning. Sometimes I even forgot to turn the washer on after getting it loaded. Unloading and folding was another disaster waiting to happen. Each event in laundry takes about 5 minutes to do. I was building up a task that was super simple and allowing it to grip my psyche in unhealthy ways. All this, because I didn’t think I could afford to nap, or take care of myself when there was so much work to do.

Here’s the thing, newborns are a lot of work. But they also sleep nearly 16 hours a day so there’s plenty of down time. It can be hard to take naps when it feels like there’s a million items on our todo list but that’s just the life of a parent. Chores are never over. Since I was in a mode of constantly “doing”, it felt like downtime needed to be productively utilized. This is why, when the baby slept, I would often do useless productive-like activities (like check email or doomscroll). From speaking to friends, this is a common trap. When we have a chance to rest, we don’t, perpetuating the cycle.

There were many wins during those early months. I actually found diaper changes enjoyable. They’re not hard, they provide immediate wins and my daughter seemed thrilled to be diaper free each time. I’d get her on the diaper mat, get the diaper off, clean up her cute bottom, put the new one on and bam, instant success. Smiling baby achieved.

We also had a regular morning ritual that deepened our connection. I’d wake up early and take the baby to the kitchen with me so I could make my morning Chai. We’d have a healing conversation where she proved to be a prodigal listener, smiling, babbling the whole time. They were peak moments. But the laundry and the overall feeling of overwhelm that pervaded our lives has stuck with me to this day.

As has the feeling that it didn’t need to be that way.

We really didn’t take as many naps as we should have because we couldn’t get in sync with the baby’s schedule. Numerous nap times were devoured by time wasters that could have been avoided. It’s hard to make concrete plans when your mind is nowhere close to an elevated state. My wife and I were constantly overwhelmed because we couldn’t slow down. We didn’t have the tools and support to implement a plan.

When we were overwhelmed, I wish we had a ritual and practice that could get us back to being able to engage in a deep connection - both between ourselves and with the new baby.